From the Shadows: Assassin’s Creed Cookies

I admit it: I’ve been depressed. Hellishly so, you might say. As such, my efforts in the kitchen of late have been… less than stellar. Lackluster. Nonexistent. I haven’t baked anything at all in a month. Would you forgive me for chocolate? Well, how about chocolate chocolate chip? From scratch?

There we go; that’s the ticket.

The Assassin’s Creed series is one of my favorite games/series that I am incapable of playing. Top Ten material, probably. With its rich storylines and gameplay I could watch someone play it for days. Also, if I could lose about half my body weight and wear Assassin’s garb full time… Yeah. That’d be great.

Ready? Let’s go.

Gamers, grab your mats:

• 2 cups flour
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter
• 1/4 teaspoon salt – if using salted butter, omit this.
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 eggs
• 1-½ cups sugar
• 2/3 cup cocoa powder
• ¾ teaspoon baking soda
• 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips – or a 10oz. bag of Ghirardelli 60% cacao bittersweet chocolate chips. This is either because it’s all I had on hand or because if it’s worth doing right, it has to be dark chocolate. It may also be both.
• red Candy Melts, or red decorating icing would be okay, too.

Adapted from Allrecipes.

The ricotta containers are flour, sugar, and salt, respectively. Let me know when it becomes obvious that I don’t buy these items.

Preheat your oven to 350ºF. Chuck your softened butter, eggs, vanilla, and sugar into a large bowl and attack with electric beaters until light and creamy. I’d recommend relieving the eggs of their shells if you’re the type who takes things literally.

There are two eggs in there, I swear.

That’ll do. Tasty, if you’re not concerned about the whole ‘consuming-raw-egg-thing’.

Add remaining ingredients minus chocolate and red chips into a second bowl.

There might be too much cocoa powder in this. I don’t know. All the markings are coming off of my measuring cups.

Mix dry ingredients:

There’s something so satisfying about mixing light and dark ingredients.

Gradually stir dry ingredients into wet mixture until well combined. This should be done in several batches.

Or, if you’re me (and I do wonder about some of you), add two batches, shrug, and dump dry mixture unceremoniously into tacky wet mixture. Choke on the cocoa flour cloud for a second. It will be incredibly hard to mix in properly and you’ll have to toss the wooden spoon in favor of just using your damn hands. Whatever, 350ºF will kill anything, right? Right.

This has got to be one of the thickest batters I’ve ever mixed up. Don’t question it; it’s good.

Blend in chocolate chips:

Which you may or may not be able to see.

If you bother to take a look at the original recipe, it states to drop rounded teaspoonfuls of batter onto an ungreased tray. If you do that, supposedly this recipe yields 48 cookies. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Grab a giant tablespoon. Or preferably a large, wide spoon you’d normally use to eat soup. Dig out huge mounds of batter, round them off a bit by hand, and drop them onto your trays:

After running out of room on my pizza pan I managed to squeeze another row onto this tray. However, let this picture be proof that I AM NOT JOKING.

I got 20 cookies out of this recipe, and giving no fucks about cookie size. Bake cookies for 10-15 minutes. Because mine were on two shelves, I removed them at 10 minutes, did a toothpick check, rotated them, and baked them for another 5 minutes for good measure. This worked out perfectly.

Thick, fluffy, and BIG.

Allow cookies to cool for 10-15 minutes on the trays, then transfer to wire racks to cool completely. Or just leave them on the tray if you don’t have racks. They’ll be fine.

Melt Candy Melts according to package instructions. You don’t need many for this, really. Transfer melted candy into a small baggie and snip the tip. You only need a small opening for this. No, smaller than that. Smaller. The tip I made was too big because we had to hide our scissors and my Exacto knife is going dull. Anyway.

Pipe a vague Assassin’s Creed symbol on top of your cookie:

You can get away with a lot, really.

Refine your design with a toothpick:

Toothpicks are amazing.

Allow design to dry and you’re done!

Disclaimer: Yes, dad, I know. No, it’s not the square-and-compass. Yes, I know it looks similar. I’m not in charge of graphic design for any video game. No, I’m not giving away any Masonic secrets on my food blog, or anywhere else for that matter. If you want me to make you a batch of square-and-compass cookies for your next meeting just give me a call (24 hours notice please). Love you, too.

Readers: Yes, that happened. There’s a 95% chance I’ll get this phone call in the next ~4 days. (And yes, my dad reads my blog. ^_^ )

One whiff of these decadent chocolate cookies will have you climbing walls and traversing rooftops to get a few. Even if you’re not into parkour.

Brownies, eat your heart out.

Oh, that terrible fake wood-grain.

Nothing is true; everything is permitted. Which Assassin’s Creed game is your favorite?

Coming Up Next: Guest post! Calling all Dovahkiin: incoming Skyrim recipe!

Cheers,

Leisel

Remember, cooking IRL doesn’t have to be a Feat of Strength!